The Office
by pasterrible
Summary: Alfred and Ivan work at a paper company. Office pranks ensue. Based off of The Office and inspired by the pranks between Dwight Schrute and Jim Halpert.


Alfred sat at his desk on a typical Monday morning. He reached into one of his desk drawers, pulling out a pen and reached across his desk for a stack papers of his most recent sales. He had just begun sifting through the stack, quickly scanning and underlining the profits made from the sales when he was interrupted.

"Good morning, Alfred."

The American shifted his attention from his workload to his coworker, Ivan, and then returned to his work, only to do a double take and look back up to instead find a short, Asian man walking up to Ivan's desk that was next to his own. The man shook off his jacket and hung it on the back of his chair and then proceeded to sit down in it. Puzzled, Alfred continued to watch the man. He had on a blue dress shirt and was fit and slender with a long ponytail, quite the contrary to the usually tall, bulky and heavy set, ash-blond Russian man Alfred was used to seeing. "Who are you?" The American questioned.

The man looked up to Alfred in surprise and shifted in his seat. He scoffed. "Who am I? I am Ivan. We've been working together for 12 years," he stated, softly smiling at Alfred. After a moment a silence, the man shook his head, returning to his work and adding, "Weird joke, Alfred."

Alfred sat up in his seat, his brows furrowing together as he said, "You're not Ivan. Ivan's not Asian."

'Ivan' looked up from his desk, tilting his head, "You have never noticed? Good job for not seeing race." He smiled once again at Alfred. Alfred stared at the man claiming to be Ivan for a few more seconds. He then threw his pen down.

"Alright then, 'Ivan'. Uh, why don't you tell me about that 'sale' you made yesterday?" Alfred asked, adjusting his glasses.

'Ivan' moved back from his desk, slouching in his chair and clasping his hands together, he answered, "Uh, Wellington Systems? I sold them 10 cases of 24-pound letter stock." Alfred sat up farther in his chair with renewed interest as 'Ivan' continued to relay to him his sales correctly. "Or were you talking about Krieger-Murphy? Because I did not close that one yet, but I am hoping I have a voicemail from Paul Krieger waiting for me." 'Ivan' finished his statement as he reached over to the opposite side of his desk, pressing a button on the nearby telephone.

He waited patiently watching the phone until a male voice stated "Please enter your password." By this point, Alfred was already standing and watching over 'Ivan's' shoulder in suspicion. Noticing his presence and beginning to feel uneasy, 'Ivan' moved his own body to hover over the telephone, giving himself the needed privacy as he entered his password using the keypad. Immediately, the telephone responded, "You have one new message."

"How did you know?" Alfred asked as he ran to the other side of the desk exclaiming, "No, no, no!" He placed his hands over the telephone, successfully blocking 'Ivan' from accessing it. "This is sensitive information only for EMPLOYEES, not outsiders!"

"Alfred, cut it out. I am trying to work."

Alfred, growing angry and frustrated, threw his hands into the air, gesturing to 'Ivan' shouting, "You don't work here! You're not Ivan!"

Just then, Ivan's husband, Arthur walked up to the two men. He took his place next to 'Ivan', gently brushing his hand against his shoulder to get his attention and slowly leaning down as he moved to peck 'Ivan' on the lips saying, "Ivan, I got us a dinner reservation at Grico's for tonight at 7:30."

'Ivan' looked up to Arthur exclaiming, "Oh, great, I cannot wait," before returning the small kiss. Alfred watched the exchange in horror and disgust and Arthur returned to his own desk.

 **-Pan to Arthur alone, talking to the camera-**

"Ivan is at a dentist appointment today and Yao is an actor friend of ours."

 **-Pan back to Alfred and 'Ivan' (Yao) in the office-**

Alfred looked back to 'Ivan', backing away slowly. "I don't know who you are, but you are not Ivan." Alfred reached for a framed family photo on Ivan's desk continuing, " _This_ is Ivan." 'Ivan' glanced at the photo only to look into the camera with a deadpanned look on his face, finally returning his gaze back to Alfred, growing impatient. Alfred eventually turned the frame around, looking at the photo, only to see the same Asian man next to Arthur with several Asian children. Alfred's mouth hung open as he tried to process the photo. "Oh my-"he began but couldn't finish his sentence. He looked more closely at the photo, adjusting his glasses continuing to spew incomplete sentences, "how did- wha, what did you- how did you?" Alfred tossed the frame back onto 'Ivan's' desk.

Alfred left early that day.

Link to original office scene: watch?v=xLxHtBt2jtU


End file.
